Thursday, September 21, 2006

Flipping the "Willie" around!


William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
... by some accounts he died on his birthday!

Old "Willie" Shakespeare was a very wise man.

But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words.

Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English.

It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

Quote: Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should all masturbate more often.

Quote: The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Quote: Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

Quote: The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really! (Willie REALLY was a wise man ahead of his time!)

Quote: Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your best friend's sister because your best friend sure would sleep with your sister.

Quote: Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips. (Sorry about that Jay!)

Quote: Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

Quote: I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Quote: Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

Quote: They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

Quote: That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.

Quote: O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

Quote: The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

Quote: I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Quote: Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Quote: Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

Quote: 'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nothing like a "quickie" anytime of the day or night.

Quote: My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

18 Comments:

Blogger bostonray said...

Flippin your willy is sick!

September 21, 2006 12:38 PM  
Blogger ex-nuke bubblehead said...

Ray,

Allow me to restate then...

"Restating the meaning of William Shakespeare's quotations" is what I meant by "Flippin' the Willie around"

...Gosh you have a dirty mind!

September 21, 2006 1:40 PM  
Blogger SafetyValve said...

It it the same thing as flogging the dolphin? Slamming the ham?

September 21, 2006 2:54 PM  
Blogger ex-nuke bubblehead said...

...Sounds like you have lots of experience in that area?

Have you included it on your resume?

September 21, 2006 3:05 PM  
Blogger Spectroid said...

Yoiks! I believeth yon varlet doth
waveth hith willie overmuch! Fer Sherrrr.

September 21, 2006 3:15 PM  
Blogger bostonray said...

Duuhhhh,well EXCUSE ME...You said you were flippin your willy and I assumed,well you know you were dustin your doodoo or as Wes so admiraly put it slammin the ham!

September 21, 2006 4:29 PM  
Blogger ex-nuke bubblehead said...

You guys gotta learn to "think outside the box"

September 21, 2006 5:33 PM  
Blogger SafetyValve said...

How about bopping the bologna?

September 21, 2006 8:27 PM  
Blogger SafetyValve said...

Pound the round?

September 21, 2006 8:29 PM  
Blogger SafetyValve said...

Snapping the carrott?

September 21, 2006 11:24 PM  
Blogger Spectroid said...

That's cuffin' the carrot

September 22, 2006 7:06 AM  
Blogger bostonray said...

Wes,thats what the police do"cuff the carrot"...get it right!

September 22, 2006 11:29 AM  
Blogger SafetyValve said...

How about dating Mary Palm and her five sisters?

September 22, 2006 10:03 PM  
Blogger SafetyValve said...

Rosie Wrist and her five cousins?

September 23, 2006 1:29 PM  
Blogger 688 of yore said...

"Crack team of cunning linguists"?

"Think outside the box"?

Hmmm...

September 24, 2006 1:15 AM  
Blogger SafetyValve said...

I knew a cunning linguist once. Her name was Lizzy Lips.

September 24, 2006 9:58 AM  
Blogger ex-nuke bubblehead said...

Amazing! Jay was the only one who caught that!

September 24, 2006 6:21 PM  
Blogger SafetyValve said...

Well what can you say about Jay that hasn't already been said?

September 24, 2006 9:27 PM  

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