Flipping the "Willie" around!

William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
... by some accounts he died on his birthday!

Old "Willie" Shakespeare was a very wise man.

But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words.

Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English.

It's about time we  were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

Quote: Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should all masturbate more often.

Quote: The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Quote: Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

Quote: The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really! (Willie REALLY was a wise man ahead of his time!)

Quote: Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your best friend's sister because your best friend sure would sleep with your sister.

Quote: Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.  (Sorry about that Jay!)

Quote: Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

Quote: I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Quote: Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

Quote: They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

Quote: That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.

Quote: O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

Quote: The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

Quote: I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Quote: Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Quote: Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

Quote: 'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nothing like a "quickie" anytime of the day or night.

Quote: My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will.  Get over it.