The Obscure History of the Holiday Celebration Finally Revealed

'Tis the Season to be Jolly, or so said the Merry fellows in ancient times.

However, a closer look at the history of this holiday seems to indicate that we find its roots steeped in the traditions of Western European culture. Generally, this holiday is most closely associated with good food, good drink and lots of merry making. Upon closer examination, we see now that this holiday is truly a celebration more closely associated with our humble kitchen chef whose preparations were, (and still are) a major part of the holiday festivities.

It was a time long, long ago when the “chef de cuisine” of the small European villages would band together and share their most potent recipes, “conspiring” together to intoxicate the senses of villagers with a venerable orgy of inebriating beverages and fragrant foods that would numb the senses of taste and smell. Thus, it was the humble chef whom we may attribute the phrase: " 'Tis the season..." whilst smugly snickered to himself, the reasons to which will soon be revealed to you, the reader. You see, these foods and beverages would contain (not altogether accidentally) certain supplements that today, would certainly be considered either essentially illegal or potentially of dangerous origins.

It would be these dubious substances that would cause those who would normally be the most upstanding members of the community to go out wildly in pursuit of the pleasures of the flesh and senses. These "ladies and gentlemen" of the communities would (after partaking in the seasonal refreshments), go about the village in pursuit of any members of the opposite sex they could get their hands on. This lead to a period of anarchy over the typically quite village during the course of much of the holiday season, one in which the aforementioned village-folk took ample advantage of each other in manners we will not mention to you here, our gentle readers.

With the passage of time on or about late next summer, many of those females who partook in the seasonal revelry usually had no recollection of their dubious holiday escapades due to having usually partaken in the same seasonal fare as their male counterparts. These "frisky ladies" soon found they were “with child”.

As it happened, these women, soon gave birth to an unusually large proportion of baby girls. Those families, especially those of good repute within the community generally attributed this to some sort of divine intervention of their faith (usually to protect the respectability of the family name) thus, in honor, named the little girl after the Virgin Mary. Henceforth, the aforementioned time of conception was later referred to (with a quick-wink) as a time of "Mary making", in later, to be called "merry making" or as presently, "making merry".

But alas, we have digressed off the subject at hand.

As the years past, the villagers became increasingly aware of those not so harmless additives to their festivities and being a folk of discriminating tastes and temperament, would avoid these foods and libations. So the chefs (being a rather ingenious group altogether) would add certain palatable spices to obfuscate the flavor of these questionable ingredients. Henceforth, the villagers having after a period of time, became accustomed to these spices over the years were finally able to identify these seasonal dishes with some degree of accuracy. This was indeed, because, these flavorful overtones would be included in an attempt to conceal in disproportionate quantities these identifiable hostile flavorings and although now very palatable became established seasonally as associated with the holidays.

The chefs, when confronted, by the villagers and being a rather resourceful group, yet wisely not wanting to be altogether dishonest stated in a rather cunning manner; "My goodness! Good recipes simply take time to prepare." Of course, embedded though some clever homonym was repeated as the absolute truth, because "Thyme" was predominately the season in use as a cover‑up!

These very resourceful, yet cheerful “chef d'oeuvre” usually, were grossly underpaid for their hard work, thus, at times, in order to compensate for this oversight in remuneration took certain liberties with the “well-oiled” villagers during these periods by nimbly relieving them of the contents of their pockets, including any other personal effects of value on their person whenever practical. Any villager who, not being in a total stupor and capable of resisting, usually were knocked‑out with a wooden bar applied with an unreasonable degree of force to the area about the solarplexes until that person was doubled over in pain and rendered senseless. These victims were later referred to as being "doubled‑over on the bar". This bar welding thug was in later years referred to by the somewhat irate villagers as: "The Bartender”.

Those lucky villagers who were not quite as inebriated when the “bartender” came around usually were able to dodge, duck, or otherwise hop‑over the swinging bartenders' advances. This practice later became known as "Bar Hopping" a phrase often used today but with a substantially altered meaning. If the bartender could indeed be subdued by the revelers, which on rare occasions did happen, the villagers, being folk of fun, and good‑nature, would then take some rope, and tie the hands of the "bartender" together behind his back, then his bar would be tied to his hands in such a manner that when the bartender walked, he would be lightly tapping the back of his head with his great stick. This practice later became traditional in the villages, and was often referred to as "tying one on" at the bar.

What traditionally followed, would be that the bartenders inebriated victims would head out to the next village pub to continue their festive celebration, but with substantially lighter pockets and, in a great deal of physical and psychological anguish which would not be fully realized until the next morning.

Of course, now‑a‑days when we experience emotional, or physical distress, we usually order something to relieve the pain, often we order what is now called a "double" from the bartender, not only will he give it to you but, with the price of drinks he still robs you blind. As to the definitive etymology of “Holiday Punch” I think perhaps I need not digress.

Perhaps someday though, I will enlighten you as to how the doorman at these public establishments came to be known as the "Bouncer"! But that is a story for another time.

So remember, around holiday thyme, it 'tis the season...

...The Season of Merry Making!

I suppose the bottom line of this is:

Please, beware of "Chef's Surprise" and "Swinging Bartenders".