Flipping the "Willie" around!
... by some accounts he died on his birthday!
Old "Willie" Shakespeare was a very wise man.
But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words.
Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English.
It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
Quote: Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should all masturbate more often.
Quote: The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Quote: Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
Quote: The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really! (Willie REALLY was a wise man ahead of his time!)
Quote: Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your best friend's sister because your best friend sure would sleep with your sister.
Quote: Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips. (Sorry about that Jay!)
Quote: Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
Quote: I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Quote: Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
Quote: They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
Quote: That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
Quote: O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
Quote: The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
Quote: I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
Quote: Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Quote: Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
Quote: 'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nothing like a "quickie" anytime of the day or night.
Quote: My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.